I titled this blog with words that have similar meanings....but I've learned in the marriage world, these are 2 different things. I will proved examples of these 2 words so that the differences can be noted.
Honesty:
Your wife is wearing a less than flattering outfit. In fact, she's trying it on in the store. She's standing, smiling, in love with what she has on because she believes it's the most beautiful thing she's worn all day. Your opinion: it looked a hot mess.
Your response are along these lines:
You: Sweety, I don't know about this one....I don't think that it accentuates your beautiful features.
Her: Well sweety I like it!
You: Well babe, honestly, I don't like it that much. I think that we should keep looking and put this in the maybe pile, but I know the next thing you try on is goin' look really nice on you!
How simple was that? In fact, you had to announce that you were gonna' be honest. Granted you thought it was a hot mess, but still you didn't tell her that. This scenario was best played with honesty!
Truth
You were out at a friends house for guys night out. There's a few of you there, doing what guys do. Someone in the group decides that the party should relocate the to a place where there's a pool table. SO the party moves to a bar. You didn't call her right away to tell her. She's at home, watching movies, doing what ladies do, letting her mind get the best of her. She decides to call you, you pick up, she hears noise and commotion. She asks you where you are, you tell her you're at the pool hall, she asks you why you aren't at your friends house. You explain the situation, you end the conversation with an "I'll be home soon, see you when I get there". You hang up the phone, you go back to hanging with the guys.
Later that night you go in to the house, you take off those clothes, get in bed and she's already playin' sleep (some ladies will actually be sleep). You're in bed now, covers up to your neck, you face her, she makes her sleepy noises, and you think that everything is ok.
the questioning:
her: how was your night?
You: It was good, we had fun.
Her: Oh....well...that's good...how did you enjoy playing pool?
You: It was good/bad....I only won 1 game.....
Her: So how did yall end up at the pool hall? Who's idea was it?
You: Eddie's
Her: Ok
You hit her with a good night and if she lets you sleep, that's where it ends.
The next day she asks the same questions, here's where truth comes in: IF you change anything in that story, from last night to the next morning, she will know. She remembers all the details, how you said, what you said....everything! You be sure to tell her everything that happened! There are something that you might wanna' leave out, especially if it's a lie! But she will have you repeat your story more than 2x. The more you repeat yourself, the more you will add to the story. Even if it's a "then", "you know", anything along those lines. If it sounds fishy to her, she will have you repeat the story again and again until she believes you're not lying or until you get emotional enough to stop talking. But she will try you.
Honesty
the soft blow of the truth. Not hard enough to cause extreme pisstivity (but it still can) but enough to get the point across.
Truth
the story, exactly how it happened, holding no punches (limited necessary punches in some cases) clear and concise facts.
that's the difference. Try your best not to confuse them. Don't get caught in this trap:
"Tell me truth, I won't get upset" it's a trap. I'll talk more about the traps later.
Learn and pay attention to the situations requiring truth and honesty
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The "Rescue Me" game
Here's a simple pointer that even I had to learn. It's a game that your wife may play, I've entitled it, "Rescue Me". It's named for the reason that women want to be rescued. Here's when you know it....they say things like "get away from me" or something along the lines of "leave me alone". Now here's where you come in. You leave them alone or whatever they're asking and you give them about 10 minutes or so.
After that time, you come back to her in a light open tone. If she's ready to let you in, you'll know, if she isn't you'll know too! You approach her with love and comfort, not to be confused with remembering how she yelled at you and you being upset. Those feeling have to be put to the side because believe it or not fellas, it's not about you at this point. You have to come in, with the objective to listen, be non-judgmental and to comfort and the strategy is to console, apologize, and comfort. She might need all 3, she might need less, she might need more, but it's good to have these 3 on deck.
Let her talk, cry, whatever, but just listen, look attentive, smile and nod, but look her in her eyes so that she knows that you're listening (even if you aren't it's good to do that every so often). Just be open and listen!
After she's all done, hug her, hold her, tell her you love her, and that she's awesome. If an apology is needed, either from you or her, apologize. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, it's typically most always, 99.9% of the time, you! So just apologize to keep the peace.
Now you know how the game works, just be sure to apply these rules where necessary. She will play the game a lot sooner than you know!
After that time, you come back to her in a light open tone. If she's ready to let you in, you'll know, if she isn't you'll know too! You approach her with love and comfort, not to be confused with remembering how she yelled at you and you being upset. Those feeling have to be put to the side because believe it or not fellas, it's not about you at this point. You have to come in, with the objective to listen, be non-judgmental and to comfort and the strategy is to console, apologize, and comfort. She might need all 3, she might need less, she might need more, but it's good to have these 3 on deck.
Let her talk, cry, whatever, but just listen, look attentive, smile and nod, but look her in her eyes so that she knows that you're listening (even if you aren't it's good to do that every so often). Just be open and listen!
After she's all done, hug her, hold her, tell her you love her, and that she's awesome. If an apology is needed, either from you or her, apologize. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, it's typically most always, 99.9% of the time, you! So just apologize to keep the peace.
Now you know how the game works, just be sure to apply these rules where necessary. She will play the game a lot sooner than you know!
Simple recipe for marriage
The life of a man is already confusing as it is, but I believe there are a few things that we as men could do to lighten our load. But when it comes to her, we must look beyond ourselves and make her the focus of what we have going on. Aside from God and Jesus, she has to be the most important person right before you. If she isn’t, she’s not happy. A simple equation that I’ve learned in the short years that I’ve been married: Happy Wife=Happy life. “If she ain’t happy, then you ain’t happy” that’s a little something I picked up from the south! Anyhow, I’m writing to inform you how to better improve upon things in the home!
There are FOUR things that are key for women: Security, Affection, Communication, and Comfort.
Let’s begin with Security. For some, this is the tricky one here. A woman has to feel secure in the relationship. Meaning, that if your 1 bedroom apartment is on fire, you have already gotten a plan in place so that she will know what to do. It won’t matter if she’s standing by the backdoor screaming and your apartment is on the 1st floor. The point of it all is that you have things under control! Now, the adverse of that is if she doesn’t feel secure and she stays with you, then she’ll take the roll of the head. Two things your woman doesn’t want to be….a MAID or your MAMA! What happens in those situations is that she assumes the role of the head and she loses all respect for you. Then she will assume that you’ve lost respect for her because she has to do your job as the head and her job too. Women hate that! They hate it so much that when it happens, you can never get into the “head of the household” position. She won’t give it up because she’s been doing it so long and she will feel that you will mess it up so she’s not going to give it up without a fight. After all the smoke clears from that situation you’re left with a broken home, a broken heart, and a broken wallet. I’ve seen it, it’s never pretty and it doesn’t turn out good! So take note fellows, it will be worth your time. Do what she asks, even if you don’t want to. She’ll respect you more for that, she’ll feel more like a woman, and she will treat you like a man.
Another big point is Affection. This is something that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll start out by telling you what it isn’t. It isn’t the actions that you perform right before you have the great new marriage love making session. It’s not that kiss on the cheek on your way in or out to do the things that you want to do. It’s not even when she’s sad and she just needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not any of those. Although they are somewhat close, yet so far, those aren’t it. Affection is when you take 5 or 10 minutes to stop what you’re doing to see about them. It’s not just about a physical touch, it’s what I like to call “checking in”. It’s asking her what you can do to make her feel more loved. Women, they need this….bad! It’s something you can’t avoid, even if you have the rough rugged woman who chews tobacco and spits further than you…she needs it too! Affection can be given in small doses. I like to spoon my lady during movies, hold her when we’re listening to music and from time to time I give her a lil’ sugar to let her know that appreciate her lovin’ me! Giving her this type of attention keeps her from questioning if you love her or not. It also reminds her that she is special and that she made the right choice by committing to you. One thing you might not know is that you might not of been her first choice! Something to keep in mind!
Now with communication, I can’t stress the importance of it. Women are atleast twice as talkative as men are. In fact, we talk more to ourselves and less to our spouse, but that has to change. When you get married, your best friend is no longer anyone outside of your wife. This is another topic for another blog, but I’ll get to it later. The marriage symbolized a joining of two people together. Think about communication like this: What if the brain didn’t communicate with the heart? The brain sends signals to the heart to pump blood to keep you alive! Communication is just that powerful! You lose that, and the marriage will not survive! Enough said!
To wrap all that up, a woman needs more than just these major subjects, but these are the staples in the marriage that needs to be established early on in the journey. The effective combination of security, affection, and communication bring about a sense of COMFORT to her. That’s something that you can’t put a price on. That’s what a woman needs from you to feel like a treasure. IF she feels valued and important she will represent you with pride and love. You want your woman to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. You don’t need anyone making your woman more special than you do unless it’s Jesus! So that’s just a lesson, a simple recipe per se, that will keep the marriage from feeling like an obligation instead of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying this is all they need, I'm saying this is an excellent foundation!
There are FOUR things that are key for women: Security, Affection, Communication, and Comfort.
Let’s begin with Security. For some, this is the tricky one here. A woman has to feel secure in the relationship. Meaning, that if your 1 bedroom apartment is on fire, you have already gotten a plan in place so that she will know what to do. It won’t matter if she’s standing by the backdoor screaming and your apartment is on the 1st floor. The point of it all is that you have things under control! Now, the adverse of that is if she doesn’t feel secure and she stays with you, then she’ll take the roll of the head. Two things your woman doesn’t want to be….a MAID or your MAMA! What happens in those situations is that she assumes the role of the head and she loses all respect for you. Then she will assume that you’ve lost respect for her because she has to do your job as the head and her job too. Women hate that! They hate it so much that when it happens, you can never get into the “head of the household” position. She won’t give it up because she’s been doing it so long and she will feel that you will mess it up so she’s not going to give it up without a fight. After all the smoke clears from that situation you’re left with a broken home, a broken heart, and a broken wallet. I’ve seen it, it’s never pretty and it doesn’t turn out good! So take note fellows, it will be worth your time. Do what she asks, even if you don’t want to. She’ll respect you more for that, she’ll feel more like a woman, and she will treat you like a man.
Another big point is Affection. This is something that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll start out by telling you what it isn’t. It isn’t the actions that you perform right before you have the great new marriage love making session. It’s not that kiss on the cheek on your way in or out to do the things that you want to do. It’s not even when she’s sad and she just needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not any of those. Although they are somewhat close, yet so far, those aren’t it. Affection is when you take 5 or 10 minutes to stop what you’re doing to see about them. It’s not just about a physical touch, it’s what I like to call “checking in”. It’s asking her what you can do to make her feel more loved. Women, they need this….bad! It’s something you can’t avoid, even if you have the rough rugged woman who chews tobacco and spits further than you…she needs it too! Affection can be given in small doses. I like to spoon my lady during movies, hold her when we’re listening to music and from time to time I give her a lil’ sugar to let her know that appreciate her lovin’ me! Giving her this type of attention keeps her from questioning if you love her or not. It also reminds her that she is special and that she made the right choice by committing to you. One thing you might not know is that you might not of been her first choice! Something to keep in mind!
Now with communication, I can’t stress the importance of it. Women are atleast twice as talkative as men are. In fact, we talk more to ourselves and less to our spouse, but that has to change. When you get married, your best friend is no longer anyone outside of your wife. This is another topic for another blog, but I’ll get to it later. The marriage symbolized a joining of two people together. Think about communication like this: What if the brain didn’t communicate with the heart? The brain sends signals to the heart to pump blood to keep you alive! Communication is just that powerful! You lose that, and the marriage will not survive! Enough said!
To wrap all that up, a woman needs more than just these major subjects, but these are the staples in the marriage that needs to be established early on in the journey. The effective combination of security, affection, and communication bring about a sense of COMFORT to her. That’s something that you can’t put a price on. That’s what a woman needs from you to feel like a treasure. IF she feels valued and important she will represent you with pride and love. You want your woman to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. You don’t need anyone making your woman more special than you do unless it’s Jesus! So that’s just a lesson, a simple recipe per se, that will keep the marriage from feeling like an obligation instead of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying this is all they need, I'm saying this is an excellent foundation!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The reality of the fairy tale marriage
When we get married, for some of us, it's exactly like we dream. Birds singing softly in the background every time you think of her. You get butterflies in your stomach, your speech is disoriented, you are just so in love. So you decide that this is the one and you proceed further with marriage. The big day is just like you pictured it: 75 degree weather, sunny, not a cloud in sight. Nothing major goes wrong outside of that one relative that is always in a different state at events like this. You see her, she brings tears to your eyes while you smile. The birds haven't stopped singing and your heart is overjoyed. A perfect warm spring day with lots of gifts, love, dancing, and laughter.
After that period is over, it ranges for everyone, you come down. For the first few years, many vets who've been married for at least 5 years call this the honeymoon stage. On my end, things went a little different. It's all good, because people have different experiences. Now, here is where the reality sets in:
Everything was so perfect during that day, that week, that first year, but what happened? There are times where you feel as if you both don't know each other. The small things seem big, the bigger things seem so important and complex, you don't know what to do or even how to handle a situation. You feel you don't understand what's going on in your own house or spouse.
When this happens, reality has set in. Now the high is warn off and life is staring you in the face asking if you got the munchies cause it has plenty for you to chew on. When you find yourself questioning who that person is laying next to you and why is she so different....stop and think for a second.
You can't prepare for this any sooner than you say "I do". But here's the focal point....it's YOU. It's now your job to make her feel as if she's the most important person in life...yep...even more important than you. So with that being said, finding a balance between her needs and your needs, with the emphasis on her needs as more important. IF you don't, it will disrupt the happiness of your marriage. It's a quick way to shut down the fun in the relationship.
You can do this by communicating more and really listening. Not the kind we normally do, where she talks, you hear words, throw some head nods and um hums in there and you walk away wondering what it was all about, but "glad that it's over" type deal. They need us to listen cause we communicate so different and frankly we have a hard time understanding each other. So yeah, when the fairy tale is over, roll up the sleeves cause it's time to put in work!
Another thing you could do is show her that you want her to be your number one. She will support you if she feels reciprocation. If she's a great woman like mine, she'll support you even when she doesn't feel it from your end. You gotta' have some actions to back up your words. IF you don't, your words will be like a cheap perfume: smells great for a minute, but once you leave the house, the smell continuously becomes forgotten. ACTIONS that line up with your WORDS. That's where the work comes in too.
After that period is over, it ranges for everyone, you come down. For the first few years, many vets who've been married for at least 5 years call this the honeymoon stage. On my end, things went a little different. It's all good, because people have different experiences. Now, here is where the reality sets in:
Everything was so perfect during that day, that week, that first year, but what happened? There are times where you feel as if you both don't know each other. The small things seem big, the bigger things seem so important and complex, you don't know what to do or even how to handle a situation. You feel you don't understand what's going on in your own house or spouse.
When this happens, reality has set in. Now the high is warn off and life is staring you in the face asking if you got the munchies cause it has plenty for you to chew on. When you find yourself questioning who that person is laying next to you and why is she so different....stop and think for a second.
You can't prepare for this any sooner than you say "I do". But here's the focal point....it's YOU. It's now your job to make her feel as if she's the most important person in life...yep...even more important than you. So with that being said, finding a balance between her needs and your needs, with the emphasis on her needs as more important. IF you don't, it will disrupt the happiness of your marriage. It's a quick way to shut down the fun in the relationship.
You can do this by communicating more and really listening. Not the kind we normally do, where she talks, you hear words, throw some head nods and um hums in there and you walk away wondering what it was all about, but "glad that it's over" type deal. They need us to listen cause we communicate so different and frankly we have a hard time understanding each other. So yeah, when the fairy tale is over, roll up the sleeves cause it's time to put in work!
Another thing you could do is show her that you want her to be your number one. She will support you if she feels reciprocation. If she's a great woman like mine, she'll support you even when she doesn't feel it from your end. You gotta' have some actions to back up your words. IF you don't, your words will be like a cheap perfume: smells great for a minute, but once you leave the house, the smell continuously becomes forgotten. ACTIONS that line up with your WORDS. That's where the work comes in too.
the ok's of marriage
One of the things about marriage that we, both parties sometimes have to understand….everything doesn’t have to be an argument, discussion, disagreement. More importantly, you don’t always have to be right. That’s where a lot of things go very different.
Here’s a small portion of my testimony:
I strongly dislike being wrong. I really find that in most cases, I’m right. This is typically a false truth in my life, but it was how I though myself to be. It wasn’t because I had a degree, or that I’ve been through some things, I just knew I was right about most things I talked about. If I thought that I was wrong, in most cases, I became an observer of the situation.
I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way, but I’m probably one of the more honest people about things like this who can admit that I’m wrong a lot more that I’m right. In marriage, this is the same thing. Most ladies believe that they are always right, even when you can prove that they’re wrong. Some women are more honest and say that they can admit that they are wrong when they are.
In this life long commitment we call marriage, when the woman’s right…she’s right. But when she’s wrong…..she’s right. This is where two letters can solve a disagreement where you’re either right or wrong….”ok”.
Those two letters can be the difference between sleeping on the couch because you want to and sleeping on the couch because she beat you to the bedroom, put your pillows and the spare cover on the chair or edge of the bed, and is already stretched out with that “you bet’ not try to get in this bed while I’m sleep” look stuck on her face.
You have to know when to say ok. Learn to let things slide because no matter who’s right, in most cases, you’re wrong. She cares about being right and you just want her to shut up, so ok, is a major word that can keep the peace and even give you some added benefits to the marriage, like….silence for more than usual.
So it’s ok to be wrong and it’s even more ok, to just say it and mean it.
Here’s a small portion of my testimony:
I strongly dislike being wrong. I really find that in most cases, I’m right. This is typically a false truth in my life, but it was how I though myself to be. It wasn’t because I had a degree, or that I’ve been through some things, I just knew I was right about most things I talked about. If I thought that I was wrong, in most cases, I became an observer of the situation.
I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way, but I’m probably one of the more honest people about things like this who can admit that I’m wrong a lot more that I’m right. In marriage, this is the same thing. Most ladies believe that they are always right, even when you can prove that they’re wrong. Some women are more honest and say that they can admit that they are wrong when they are.
In this life long commitment we call marriage, when the woman’s right…she’s right. But when she’s wrong…..she’s right. This is where two letters can solve a disagreement where you’re either right or wrong….”ok”.
Those two letters can be the difference between sleeping on the couch because you want to and sleeping on the couch because she beat you to the bedroom, put your pillows and the spare cover on the chair or edge of the bed, and is already stretched out with that “you bet’ not try to get in this bed while I’m sleep” look stuck on her face.
You have to know when to say ok. Learn to let things slide because no matter who’s right, in most cases, you’re wrong. She cares about being right and you just want her to shut up, so ok, is a major word that can keep the peace and even give you some added benefits to the marriage, like….silence for more than usual.
So it’s ok to be wrong and it’s even more ok, to just say it and mean it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
time managing marriage
Another day of living life and understanding the other stuff.
I was in a coffee shop listening to another under 5 year couple in the store....they weren't the most friendliest of people. But they left me with some good words. A combination of words are "time management".
THe most difficult thing for many of us, as people, is time management. In fact, there are people that pay people to manage their time. In marriage, there has to be a time where you manage your time between your wants and self desires with the desires and wants of the other person. In so many words, you have to learn to inter-weave interests, activities, and lifestyles in order to build a successful relationship and marriage. For a lot of people, it gets difficult at this stage. It's a process, the process of being in a process that takes time to process. That's where the complications come into the picture. The sooner that we can accomplish this, the better!
Now, here's a word for the ladies....I know that for a lot of you, it's difficult to SUBMIT. It's a process just like everything else...but it's the same deal, the sooner you learn this, accept it, and call it what it is, then it will lessen the complications of marriage. Now for the guys, I learned that you don't necessarily make a woman submit by putting your hands on her. It doesn't help because you think it might work, but it makes everything worst. It hurts her so much that she has to get over the fear, get through the pain, then learn how to love all over again. Those bags take time to be dropped. It hurts women to the point that they won't tell you. There will always be something, but you won't know.
Another area that we have to take note of is that we have to learn how to be patient. That's the key, is being patient and learning that we don't always have to be right. Taking that, to say this: When it get's to the point that it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, then you have made some major growth. In fact, I'll stop there to say this, be patient with her, because she's overly patient with you.
Getting a hobby and doing one together.....that's what's next....
I was in a coffee shop listening to another under 5 year couple in the store....they weren't the most friendliest of people. But they left me with some good words. A combination of words are "time management".
THe most difficult thing for many of us, as people, is time management. In fact, there are people that pay people to manage their time. In marriage, there has to be a time where you manage your time between your wants and self desires with the desires and wants of the other person. In so many words, you have to learn to inter-weave interests, activities, and lifestyles in order to build a successful relationship and marriage. For a lot of people, it gets difficult at this stage. It's a process, the process of being in a process that takes time to process. That's where the complications come into the picture. The sooner that we can accomplish this, the better!
Now, here's a word for the ladies....I know that for a lot of you, it's difficult to SUBMIT. It's a process just like everything else...but it's the same deal, the sooner you learn this, accept it, and call it what it is, then it will lessen the complications of marriage. Now for the guys, I learned that you don't necessarily make a woman submit by putting your hands on her. It doesn't help because you think it might work, but it makes everything worst. It hurts her so much that she has to get over the fear, get through the pain, then learn how to love all over again. Those bags take time to be dropped. It hurts women to the point that they won't tell you. There will always be something, but you won't know.
Another area that we have to take note of is that we have to learn how to be patient. That's the key, is being patient and learning that we don't always have to be right. Taking that, to say this: When it get's to the point that it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, then you have made some major growth. In fact, I'll stop there to say this, be patient with her, because she's overly patient with you.
Getting a hobby and doing one together.....that's what's next....
Friday, January 14, 2011
understanding communication
alright,
to elaborate more on communication....when women give you that dreaded "we need to talk" intro....believe it's something coming behind.
Now, here's what's really good. Phase 1: The woman has processed it and decided to say something. Here's the breakdown of the word "process" in this case: That means she's tried to show you, give you clues, hint it to you, leave you a preverbial sign, and a few other tactics...those weren't working. We don't get them....most of time, we're not understanding these things aside, "she's acting weird" or "why is she being so attitudal". We totally miss the hint.
So after all that fails, it's time to go on to phase 2. The thinking phase. Now, she's been thinking about it more and more while you're doing whatever you're doing to miss the signs. She's thinking....and thinking herself further down into the thought world. As she thinks, things for her, in her thought process seem to be worst than they are.
Time for phase 3: here's where we come in....the talk! That's where it is. By the time its gotten to us, it seems so bad. She has held it for so long and now, you're like....why didn't you say anything sooner. She's tried to non-verbally communicate with you, but she isn't speaking our language. So, we missed it. After the talk, we're surprised because she's held on to it for so long and it's so much. Typically, she's pretty emotional at this point and you might even be as well. But now, the air is clear.
What confuses women...maybe that's not the right word....what rocks them is that, we typically don't have much to say after they pour out their hearts. We look, hug, and then they ask us if we wanna say anything after they've talked for about and hour or more....and we say nope! They're caught off guard. Some women might even ask if we have feelings about it. We say what we're gonna' say and that's it. It maybe 5 or 6 minutes....at most 10 in many cases. But that's the wow factor for them...they've talked almost an hour+ and you've said what you did in a fraction of what they did.
You hug, you get up, and then in many cases, I'm not saying this is me now, but then you forget what the conversation was about and are back on to whatever you were doing before the talk happened.
For us guys, we process a little different. In many cases, we think about it here and there and then we evaluate the key things. So, it takes us a little longer to apply the necessary things that will make the requested changes. It may take 2 or 3 days maybe even a week...but we get it. And sometimes, we even have to hear a couple of times before we get it, but eventually we do.
And that's how we learn....sometimes...in the near future...I will beak us down so that we can be better understood by the ladies.
to elaborate more on communication....when women give you that dreaded "we need to talk" intro....believe it's something coming behind.
Now, here's what's really good. Phase 1: The woman has processed it and decided to say something. Here's the breakdown of the word "process" in this case: That means she's tried to show you, give you clues, hint it to you, leave you a preverbial sign, and a few other tactics...those weren't working. We don't get them....most of time, we're not understanding these things aside, "she's acting weird" or "why is she being so attitudal". We totally miss the hint.
So after all that fails, it's time to go on to phase 2. The thinking phase. Now, she's been thinking about it more and more while you're doing whatever you're doing to miss the signs. She's thinking....and thinking herself further down into the thought world. As she thinks, things for her, in her thought process seem to be worst than they are.
Time for phase 3: here's where we come in....the talk! That's where it is. By the time its gotten to us, it seems so bad. She has held it for so long and now, you're like....why didn't you say anything sooner. She's tried to non-verbally communicate with you, but she isn't speaking our language. So, we missed it. After the talk, we're surprised because she's held on to it for so long and it's so much. Typically, she's pretty emotional at this point and you might even be as well. But now, the air is clear.
What confuses women...maybe that's not the right word....what rocks them is that, we typically don't have much to say after they pour out their hearts. We look, hug, and then they ask us if we wanna say anything after they've talked for about and hour or more....and we say nope! They're caught off guard. Some women might even ask if we have feelings about it. We say what we're gonna' say and that's it. It maybe 5 or 6 minutes....at most 10 in many cases. But that's the wow factor for them...they've talked almost an hour+ and you've said what you did in a fraction of what they did.
You hug, you get up, and then in many cases, I'm not saying this is me now, but then you forget what the conversation was about and are back on to whatever you were doing before the talk happened.
For us guys, we process a little different. In many cases, we think about it here and there and then we evaluate the key things. So, it takes us a little longer to apply the necessary things that will make the requested changes. It may take 2 or 3 days maybe even a week...but we get it. And sometimes, we even have to hear a couple of times before we get it, but eventually we do.
And that's how we learn....sometimes...in the near future...I will beak us down so that we can be better understood by the ladies.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
figuring things out
One of the pluses of marriage is having a woman that completes you. That’s the best thing that I can honestly say about being married. Now, the difficulty in that is moving out of your way to letting her complete you. I spoke to a gentleman in the gym, he was contemplating marriage. I told him that it was hard in beginning and that’s true. I know that it was for me, but it was more so hard for me to get out of my own way.
Here’s the guy’s perspective on things: Once we get married, our mind goes from being cool and calm, to “how am I going to take care of this woman”? It affects each man differently. We are disadvantaged as men because we don’t grow up with the mindset of taking care of a woman until it actually happens. In fact, I watched my father be a husband and a dad; I learned more from him being a father than I did from him being a husband. There’s no real equation to produce perfect husbands, especially in the beginning of the marriage. I watched my father work, come home, check homework, plan out days of catch, but nothing outside of that. All the “behind the scenes” work was never discussed…. even now, as an adult, we don’t talk about it. And that’s good because my marriage is nothing like what my parents have. Honestly, I love my parents but I don’t want anything like they had, because that was for them and what’s for me is for me.
During counseling, we were told to make sure that we communicate. That’s such a big thing. I’m not sure if I touched up on this but it’s so important. For me, I believe it’s more important for her than it is for us. But it differs from person to person. Nevertheless, it’s important.
Also, there is a thing called comfort. From my experience with women, they need a lot of this. I mean, when you think you’re giving enough, you’re not! Trust me on this one, unless she tells you she’s getting enough, most times, it’s not enough. Here’s something to look out for. If she tells you verbally that she’s getting enough, that’s one thing….but if she shows it….that’s another. My advice, give her as much as you can, then find some more and give her some of that too.
I don’t wanna’ give too much here, but here’s a little nugget that I’m dropping. I’ve made lots of mistakes and learned lots of things in the process. There’s a big difference when it comes to a women letting you know how she feels. There’s the telling and the showing. In most cases, showing comes first. There’s all types of ways they do it, but it still happens. Now telling as when things are bad. Us guys know about the dreaded…”we need to talk” intro to different conversations. Those are the ones we generally feel we could do without, but are sometimes glad we’ve had them. I’ll explain this more later in detail, so that we all can be more aware to the game.
Here’s the guy’s perspective on things: Once we get married, our mind goes from being cool and calm, to “how am I going to take care of this woman”? It affects each man differently. We are disadvantaged as men because we don’t grow up with the mindset of taking care of a woman until it actually happens. In fact, I watched my father be a husband and a dad; I learned more from him being a father than I did from him being a husband. There’s no real equation to produce perfect husbands, especially in the beginning of the marriage. I watched my father work, come home, check homework, plan out days of catch, but nothing outside of that. All the “behind the scenes” work was never discussed…. even now, as an adult, we don’t talk about it. And that’s good because my marriage is nothing like what my parents have. Honestly, I love my parents but I don’t want anything like they had, because that was for them and what’s for me is for me.
During counseling, we were told to make sure that we communicate. That’s such a big thing. I’m not sure if I touched up on this but it’s so important. For me, I believe it’s more important for her than it is for us. But it differs from person to person. Nevertheless, it’s important.
Also, there is a thing called comfort. From my experience with women, they need a lot of this. I mean, when you think you’re giving enough, you’re not! Trust me on this one, unless she tells you she’s getting enough, most times, it’s not enough. Here’s something to look out for. If she tells you verbally that she’s getting enough, that’s one thing….but if she shows it….that’s another. My advice, give her as much as you can, then find some more and give her some of that too.
I don’t wanna’ give too much here, but here’s a little nugget that I’m dropping. I’ve made lots of mistakes and learned lots of things in the process. There’s a big difference when it comes to a women letting you know how she feels. There’s the telling and the showing. In most cases, showing comes first. There’s all types of ways they do it, but it still happens. Now telling as when things are bad. Us guys know about the dreaded…”we need to talk” intro to different conversations. Those are the ones we generally feel we could do without, but are sometimes glad we’ve had them. I’ll explain this more later in detail, so that we all can be more aware to the game.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
miscommunication
Another day,
I wanna open up by saying....life is not fair...but favor really isn't fair. In love, we favor our spouse in many cases, in my case, in the majority of things.
Now that I've said something that makes sense...let me put out there for the sake of all the husbands out there. No matter how good you think your communication is...you could even have a degree in it...it's never enough! It's not just about how you do it, but it's the little things that we men consider minimum, that mean all the world to our women! In most cases, the more times we repeat ourselves, the more we add to the story. I caught myself leaving out some details in a story and after I repeated it 4 or 5 times to my wife, I realized the 1st 3xs I left out what I thought was small and kept the meat & potatoes. Nonetheless, there was still a miscommunication! So in an effort to minimze these mistakes I learn that with women, there is no such thing as not enough communication....unless she specifies.
that's all
I wanna open up by saying....life is not fair...but favor really isn't fair. In love, we favor our spouse in many cases, in my case, in the majority of things.
Now that I've said something that makes sense...let me put out there for the sake of all the husbands out there. No matter how good you think your communication is...you could even have a degree in it...it's never enough! It's not just about how you do it, but it's the little things that we men consider minimum, that mean all the world to our women! In most cases, the more times we repeat ourselves, the more we add to the story. I caught myself leaving out some details in a story and after I repeated it 4 or 5 times to my wife, I realized the 1st 3xs I left out what I thought was small and kept the meat & potatoes. Nonetheless, there was still a miscommunication! So in an effort to minimze these mistakes I learn that with women, there is no such thing as not enough communication....unless she specifies.
that's all
Monday, January 3, 2011
being more than just the provider
IN the game of marriage, I'm learning as a man that we weren't as prepared for the role of husband & father in comparison to our better halves. It's amazing that in many cases, women can complain that we, as men, need to learn how to be the head of the house. IN retrospect, the more difficult things for women to do is be quiet, let us lead, and listen. In my case, since we're both so young, I have the opportunity to learn really fast. It may seem like a long process, but in many cases...I learn fast....it's the application that takes time.
In my mind, no matter how I try to improve my efforts, I still need help. There are many places that we, as men, can turn to for help, but if we want the right kind of advice, we must be selective in our search. The 1st place is look is to ask my pastor. I'm not saying that he's the "perfect" person to counsel with, but he's definitely the closest. His wisdom and insight is a combination of experience, an unbiased view, and God's wisdom. For the beginning stages of our marriage, there's not much that he hasn't either done or encountered. In our walk of marriage, he's the person that points us back to God and the Lord does the rest.
A secondary source for me, is definitely a book. A little plug for "the Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian, I've read the first 40 pages or so and I feel as though I'm enlightened. I now have more understanding of what I need to do and pray for as a praying husband. I love my wife...maybe not everything about her...but she compliments me! In the beginning stages of the book, the Author found out some of the root causes of her husbands behavior. His was related to his mother and how she treated him. It makes me think of the baggage I have.
The baggage....we all have it. The worst ones are the people who can't seem to realize that they have baggage and blame everyone else for being so"____________" ( you can fill in the blank). Bags come in all sizes, but sometimes the smallest bags have the most secret compartments. Its those compartments that we are reluctant to reveal that really have an effect on our lives, relationships, in my case marriage. It's to blame for a lot of the crap that we have lingering in us.
And this is where I insert a plug for counseling. It's what you make of it. Honesty is the best thing that you can put into it. It's worth more at that point because you counsel before marriage and in many cases a year or 2 later. A lot of guys fight it do to pride or fear, whatever. But me, I jumped into it because I know better. My dad and mom didn't get counseling and I've decided a long time ago that I didn't want anything like what they had.
Which leaves me to question, I want so much out of marriage, but what am I willing to give up? That's the question that we forget to ask ourselves in counseling, at the altar, a year into it. We forget that it's give and give and give a lil more....not just on the man's end, but it's a shared thing. I thought it was give and take, but you have to give 2 or 3xs more in many cases than what you take.
Ponder it....am I right...is there any truth in what I'm saying....I whole heartedly believe so
In my mind, no matter how I try to improve my efforts, I still need help. There are many places that we, as men, can turn to for help, but if we want the right kind of advice, we must be selective in our search. The 1st place is look is to ask my pastor. I'm not saying that he's the "perfect" person to counsel with, but he's definitely the closest. His wisdom and insight is a combination of experience, an unbiased view, and God's wisdom. For the beginning stages of our marriage, there's not much that he hasn't either done or encountered. In our walk of marriage, he's the person that points us back to God and the Lord does the rest.
A secondary source for me, is definitely a book. A little plug for "the Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian, I've read the first 40 pages or so and I feel as though I'm enlightened. I now have more understanding of what I need to do and pray for as a praying husband. I love my wife...maybe not everything about her...but she compliments me! In the beginning stages of the book, the Author found out some of the root causes of her husbands behavior. His was related to his mother and how she treated him. It makes me think of the baggage I have.
The baggage....we all have it. The worst ones are the people who can't seem to realize that they have baggage and blame everyone else for being so"____________" ( you can fill in the blank). Bags come in all sizes, but sometimes the smallest bags have the most secret compartments. Its those compartments that we are reluctant to reveal that really have an effect on our lives, relationships, in my case marriage. It's to blame for a lot of the crap that we have lingering in us.
And this is where I insert a plug for counseling. It's what you make of it. Honesty is the best thing that you can put into it. It's worth more at that point because you counsel before marriage and in many cases a year or 2 later. A lot of guys fight it do to pride or fear, whatever. But me, I jumped into it because I know better. My dad and mom didn't get counseling and I've decided a long time ago that I didn't want anything like what they had.
Which leaves me to question, I want so much out of marriage, but what am I willing to give up? That's the question that we forget to ask ourselves in counseling, at the altar, a year into it. We forget that it's give and give and give a lil more....not just on the man's end, but it's a shared thing. I thought it was give and take, but you have to give 2 or 3xs more in many cases than what you take.
Ponder it....am I right...is there any truth in what I'm saying....I whole heartedly believe so
Saturday, January 1, 2011
a bloggers 1st time blogging
This is the 1st time I've blogged....so I'm just gonna' go for the gusto and see what happens. Maybe there will be some people to subscribe and actually read what I'm writing. I enjoy writing myself, but blogging....it's something else.
Marriage...lets talk about it....I just got married late this year....it has been a wild ride thus far. It's a thing of readjusting my life to fit our life. No matter what I could've done, I wouldn't have been prepared! Out of all my friends, it made sense that I was the one to get married. My best friend isn't the type to wanna settle down. He enjoys comfort and complacency.
But in this journey of marriage we find out who we really are. Me & My wife are young. We're creative young entreprenuers that enjoy life. We always look for young couples like ourselves to hang around. So far, we've found a small group of people that we really haven't had the chance to hang around, but we look forward to it.
Where are the young couples...who have been married last than 5 years that love the Lord Jesus Christ? They're somewhere around here, but I'm not sure as to where they are yet. But I'm sure that they will find us and we'll go out and have some fun. Yes Christians have fun, don't be fooled....but this is just a test run and see what happens.
Thats' all for today
Marriage...lets talk about it....I just got married late this year....it has been a wild ride thus far. It's a thing of readjusting my life to fit our life. No matter what I could've done, I wouldn't have been prepared! Out of all my friends, it made sense that I was the one to get married. My best friend isn't the type to wanna settle down. He enjoys comfort and complacency.
But in this journey of marriage we find out who we really are. Me & My wife are young. We're creative young entreprenuers that enjoy life. We always look for young couples like ourselves to hang around. So far, we've found a small group of people that we really haven't had the chance to hang around, but we look forward to it.
Where are the young couples...who have been married last than 5 years that love the Lord Jesus Christ? They're somewhere around here, but I'm not sure as to where they are yet. But I'm sure that they will find us and we'll go out and have some fun. Yes Christians have fun, don't be fooled....but this is just a test run and see what happens.
Thats' all for today
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