I saw this on yahoo and thought, maybe I would try some of these phrases to help me & the misses better communicate when attitudes show up:
Please try to understand my point of view-I've never used this one
Wait, can I take that back?-I've never used this one, but it sounds good
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.-this one is something that needs to be said.
This is important to me. Please listen.-Heard this one before
I overreacted, I’m sorry.-One I should probably say
I see you’re in a tough position.-I've never used this one
I can see my part in this.-I've never used this one, it's typically not her fault
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.-I've used this one, it works pretty good. Especially when you really mean it!
I could be wrong.-I say this one often
Let’s agree to disagree on that.-haven't tried this one
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.-This might earn major brownie points!
I’m feeling unappreciated.-I've never used this one
We’re getting off the subject.-I've never used this one
You’ve convinced me.-or this one
Please keep talking to me.-a favorite of mine
I realize it's not your fault.-this one goes without saying
That came out all wrong.-yeah, used that one...it helps
I see how I contributed to the problem.-another one that goes without saying
What are we really fighting about?-this one helps the most. If you're not sure, ask. If you get lost, ask. She might be mad, but hit her with a "I'm just trying to make sure I stay on the same page so I can better understand what you are saying"
How can I make things better? I've heard it, said it, and still it's a toss up!
I’m sorry.- Now, this one deserves it's on blog.....
I love you.-She's glad you love her, but if you don't understand her, your love is like an empty toilet bowl! If you don't understand the sh*t she's saying, then it really doesn't matter! No pun intended....
Thursday, March 3, 2011
take one add one
Here's a little something that everyone should know about. I call it, taking a minute. In stores you see a little dish with pennies or loose change in it. The words "take a penny, add a penny" are written on the top of it. It applies here, it's actually pretty easy. If you need a minute, take it. By doing so, you're giving the other person a minute. A gift that keeps on giving!
These are simply "take as needed" breaks. A good time to do so is anytime you need to switch gears or you just want some peace & quiet. It helps a lot. Try it sometime.
Also, taking a minute can be as long as you need it. But DO NOT ABUSE it. It will de-value fast if you take a minute for an hour. A minute is less than 20 minutes. Just a period of time, not to exceed the irritability point of the other person. If that time is shorter than 10 minutes, take a minute twice!
Nonetheless, it's important to take it when you need it....
And I digress
These are simply "take as needed" breaks. A good time to do so is anytime you need to switch gears or you just want some peace & quiet. It helps a lot. Try it sometime.
Also, taking a minute can be as long as you need it. But DO NOT ABUSE it. It will de-value fast if you take a minute for an hour. A minute is less than 20 minutes. Just a period of time, not to exceed the irritability point of the other person. If that time is shorter than 10 minutes, take a minute twice!
Nonetheless, it's important to take it when you need it....
And I digress
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Truth vs. Honesty
I titled this blog with words that have similar meanings....but I've learned in the marriage world, these are 2 different things. I will proved examples of these 2 words so that the differences can be noted.
Honesty:
Your wife is wearing a less than flattering outfit. In fact, she's trying it on in the store. She's standing, smiling, in love with what she has on because she believes it's the most beautiful thing she's worn all day. Your opinion: it looked a hot mess.
Your response are along these lines:
You: Sweety, I don't know about this one....I don't think that it accentuates your beautiful features.
Her: Well sweety I like it!
You: Well babe, honestly, I don't like it that much. I think that we should keep looking and put this in the maybe pile, but I know the next thing you try on is goin' look really nice on you!
How simple was that? In fact, you had to announce that you were gonna' be honest. Granted you thought it was a hot mess, but still you didn't tell her that. This scenario was best played with honesty!
Truth
You were out at a friends house for guys night out. There's a few of you there, doing what guys do. Someone in the group decides that the party should relocate the to a place where there's a pool table. SO the party moves to a bar. You didn't call her right away to tell her. She's at home, watching movies, doing what ladies do, letting her mind get the best of her. She decides to call you, you pick up, she hears noise and commotion. She asks you where you are, you tell her you're at the pool hall, she asks you why you aren't at your friends house. You explain the situation, you end the conversation with an "I'll be home soon, see you when I get there". You hang up the phone, you go back to hanging with the guys.
Later that night you go in to the house, you take off those clothes, get in bed and she's already playin' sleep (some ladies will actually be sleep). You're in bed now, covers up to your neck, you face her, she makes her sleepy noises, and you think that everything is ok.
the questioning:
her: how was your night?
You: It was good, we had fun.
Her: Oh....well...that's good...how did you enjoy playing pool?
You: It was good/bad....I only won 1 game.....
Her: So how did yall end up at the pool hall? Who's idea was it?
You: Eddie's
Her: Ok
You hit her with a good night and if she lets you sleep, that's where it ends.
The next day she asks the same questions, here's where truth comes in: IF you change anything in that story, from last night to the next morning, she will know. She remembers all the details, how you said, what you said....everything! You be sure to tell her everything that happened! There are something that you might wanna' leave out, especially if it's a lie! But she will have you repeat your story more than 2x. The more you repeat yourself, the more you will add to the story. Even if it's a "then", "you know", anything along those lines. If it sounds fishy to her, she will have you repeat the story again and again until she believes you're not lying or until you get emotional enough to stop talking. But she will try you.
Honesty
the soft blow of the truth. Not hard enough to cause extreme pisstivity (but it still can) but enough to get the point across.
Truth
the story, exactly how it happened, holding no punches (limited necessary punches in some cases) clear and concise facts.
that's the difference. Try your best not to confuse them. Don't get caught in this trap:
"Tell me truth, I won't get upset" it's a trap. I'll talk more about the traps later.
Learn and pay attention to the situations requiring truth and honesty
Honesty:
Your wife is wearing a less than flattering outfit. In fact, she's trying it on in the store. She's standing, smiling, in love with what she has on because she believes it's the most beautiful thing she's worn all day. Your opinion: it looked a hot mess.
Your response are along these lines:
You: Sweety, I don't know about this one....I don't think that it accentuates your beautiful features.
Her: Well sweety I like it!
You: Well babe, honestly, I don't like it that much. I think that we should keep looking and put this in the maybe pile, but I know the next thing you try on is goin' look really nice on you!
How simple was that? In fact, you had to announce that you were gonna' be honest. Granted you thought it was a hot mess, but still you didn't tell her that. This scenario was best played with honesty!
Truth
You were out at a friends house for guys night out. There's a few of you there, doing what guys do. Someone in the group decides that the party should relocate the to a place where there's a pool table. SO the party moves to a bar. You didn't call her right away to tell her. She's at home, watching movies, doing what ladies do, letting her mind get the best of her. She decides to call you, you pick up, she hears noise and commotion. She asks you where you are, you tell her you're at the pool hall, she asks you why you aren't at your friends house. You explain the situation, you end the conversation with an "I'll be home soon, see you when I get there". You hang up the phone, you go back to hanging with the guys.
Later that night you go in to the house, you take off those clothes, get in bed and she's already playin' sleep (some ladies will actually be sleep). You're in bed now, covers up to your neck, you face her, she makes her sleepy noises, and you think that everything is ok.
the questioning:
her: how was your night?
You: It was good, we had fun.
Her: Oh....well...that's good...how did you enjoy playing pool?
You: It was good/bad....I only won 1 game.....
Her: So how did yall end up at the pool hall? Who's idea was it?
You: Eddie's
Her: Ok
You hit her with a good night and if she lets you sleep, that's where it ends.
The next day she asks the same questions, here's where truth comes in: IF you change anything in that story, from last night to the next morning, she will know. She remembers all the details, how you said, what you said....everything! You be sure to tell her everything that happened! There are something that you might wanna' leave out, especially if it's a lie! But she will have you repeat your story more than 2x. The more you repeat yourself, the more you will add to the story. Even if it's a "then", "you know", anything along those lines. If it sounds fishy to her, she will have you repeat the story again and again until she believes you're not lying or until you get emotional enough to stop talking. But she will try you.
Honesty
the soft blow of the truth. Not hard enough to cause extreme pisstivity (but it still can) but enough to get the point across.
Truth
the story, exactly how it happened, holding no punches (limited necessary punches in some cases) clear and concise facts.
that's the difference. Try your best not to confuse them. Don't get caught in this trap:
"Tell me truth, I won't get upset" it's a trap. I'll talk more about the traps later.
Learn and pay attention to the situations requiring truth and honesty
The "Rescue Me" game
Here's a simple pointer that even I had to learn. It's a game that your wife may play, I've entitled it, "Rescue Me". It's named for the reason that women want to be rescued. Here's when you know it....they say things like "get away from me" or something along the lines of "leave me alone". Now here's where you come in. You leave them alone or whatever they're asking and you give them about 10 minutes or so.
After that time, you come back to her in a light open tone. If she's ready to let you in, you'll know, if she isn't you'll know too! You approach her with love and comfort, not to be confused with remembering how she yelled at you and you being upset. Those feeling have to be put to the side because believe it or not fellas, it's not about you at this point. You have to come in, with the objective to listen, be non-judgmental and to comfort and the strategy is to console, apologize, and comfort. She might need all 3, she might need less, she might need more, but it's good to have these 3 on deck.
Let her talk, cry, whatever, but just listen, look attentive, smile and nod, but look her in her eyes so that she knows that you're listening (even if you aren't it's good to do that every so often). Just be open and listen!
After she's all done, hug her, hold her, tell her you love her, and that she's awesome. If an apology is needed, either from you or her, apologize. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, it's typically most always, 99.9% of the time, you! So just apologize to keep the peace.
Now you know how the game works, just be sure to apply these rules where necessary. She will play the game a lot sooner than you know!
After that time, you come back to her in a light open tone. If she's ready to let you in, you'll know, if she isn't you'll know too! You approach her with love and comfort, not to be confused with remembering how she yelled at you and you being upset. Those feeling have to be put to the side because believe it or not fellas, it's not about you at this point. You have to come in, with the objective to listen, be non-judgmental and to comfort and the strategy is to console, apologize, and comfort. She might need all 3, she might need less, she might need more, but it's good to have these 3 on deck.
Let her talk, cry, whatever, but just listen, look attentive, smile and nod, but look her in her eyes so that she knows that you're listening (even if you aren't it's good to do that every so often). Just be open and listen!
After she's all done, hug her, hold her, tell her you love her, and that she's awesome. If an apology is needed, either from you or her, apologize. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, it's typically most always, 99.9% of the time, you! So just apologize to keep the peace.
Now you know how the game works, just be sure to apply these rules where necessary. She will play the game a lot sooner than you know!
Simple recipe for marriage
The life of a man is already confusing as it is, but I believe there are a few things that we as men could do to lighten our load. But when it comes to her, we must look beyond ourselves and make her the focus of what we have going on. Aside from God and Jesus, she has to be the most important person right before you. If she isn’t, she’s not happy. A simple equation that I’ve learned in the short years that I’ve been married: Happy Wife=Happy life. “If she ain’t happy, then you ain’t happy” that’s a little something I picked up from the south! Anyhow, I’m writing to inform you how to better improve upon things in the home!
There are FOUR things that are key for women: Security, Affection, Communication, and Comfort.
Let’s begin with Security. For some, this is the tricky one here. A woman has to feel secure in the relationship. Meaning, that if your 1 bedroom apartment is on fire, you have already gotten a plan in place so that she will know what to do. It won’t matter if she’s standing by the backdoor screaming and your apartment is on the 1st floor. The point of it all is that you have things under control! Now, the adverse of that is if she doesn’t feel secure and she stays with you, then she’ll take the roll of the head. Two things your woman doesn’t want to be….a MAID or your MAMA! What happens in those situations is that she assumes the role of the head and she loses all respect for you. Then she will assume that you’ve lost respect for her because she has to do your job as the head and her job too. Women hate that! They hate it so much that when it happens, you can never get into the “head of the household” position. She won’t give it up because she’s been doing it so long and she will feel that you will mess it up so she’s not going to give it up without a fight. After all the smoke clears from that situation you’re left with a broken home, a broken heart, and a broken wallet. I’ve seen it, it’s never pretty and it doesn’t turn out good! So take note fellows, it will be worth your time. Do what she asks, even if you don’t want to. She’ll respect you more for that, she’ll feel more like a woman, and she will treat you like a man.
Another big point is Affection. This is something that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll start out by telling you what it isn’t. It isn’t the actions that you perform right before you have the great new marriage love making session. It’s not that kiss on the cheek on your way in or out to do the things that you want to do. It’s not even when she’s sad and she just needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not any of those. Although they are somewhat close, yet so far, those aren’t it. Affection is when you take 5 or 10 minutes to stop what you’re doing to see about them. It’s not just about a physical touch, it’s what I like to call “checking in”. It’s asking her what you can do to make her feel more loved. Women, they need this….bad! It’s something you can’t avoid, even if you have the rough rugged woman who chews tobacco and spits further than you…she needs it too! Affection can be given in small doses. I like to spoon my lady during movies, hold her when we’re listening to music and from time to time I give her a lil’ sugar to let her know that appreciate her lovin’ me! Giving her this type of attention keeps her from questioning if you love her or not. It also reminds her that she is special and that she made the right choice by committing to you. One thing you might not know is that you might not of been her first choice! Something to keep in mind!
Now with communication, I can’t stress the importance of it. Women are atleast twice as talkative as men are. In fact, we talk more to ourselves and less to our spouse, but that has to change. When you get married, your best friend is no longer anyone outside of your wife. This is another topic for another blog, but I’ll get to it later. The marriage symbolized a joining of two people together. Think about communication like this: What if the brain didn’t communicate with the heart? The brain sends signals to the heart to pump blood to keep you alive! Communication is just that powerful! You lose that, and the marriage will not survive! Enough said!
To wrap all that up, a woman needs more than just these major subjects, but these are the staples in the marriage that needs to be established early on in the journey. The effective combination of security, affection, and communication bring about a sense of COMFORT to her. That’s something that you can’t put a price on. That’s what a woman needs from you to feel like a treasure. IF she feels valued and important she will represent you with pride and love. You want your woman to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. You don’t need anyone making your woman more special than you do unless it’s Jesus! So that’s just a lesson, a simple recipe per se, that will keep the marriage from feeling like an obligation instead of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying this is all they need, I'm saying this is an excellent foundation!
There are FOUR things that are key for women: Security, Affection, Communication, and Comfort.
Let’s begin with Security. For some, this is the tricky one here. A woman has to feel secure in the relationship. Meaning, that if your 1 bedroom apartment is on fire, you have already gotten a plan in place so that she will know what to do. It won’t matter if she’s standing by the backdoor screaming and your apartment is on the 1st floor. The point of it all is that you have things under control! Now, the adverse of that is if she doesn’t feel secure and she stays with you, then she’ll take the roll of the head. Two things your woman doesn’t want to be….a MAID or your MAMA! What happens in those situations is that she assumes the role of the head and she loses all respect for you. Then she will assume that you’ve lost respect for her because she has to do your job as the head and her job too. Women hate that! They hate it so much that when it happens, you can never get into the “head of the household” position. She won’t give it up because she’s been doing it so long and she will feel that you will mess it up so she’s not going to give it up without a fight. After all the smoke clears from that situation you’re left with a broken home, a broken heart, and a broken wallet. I’ve seen it, it’s never pretty and it doesn’t turn out good! So take note fellows, it will be worth your time. Do what she asks, even if you don’t want to. She’ll respect you more for that, she’ll feel more like a woman, and she will treat you like a man.
Another big point is Affection. This is something that I had to learn the hard way. I’ll start out by telling you what it isn’t. It isn’t the actions that you perform right before you have the great new marriage love making session. It’s not that kiss on the cheek on your way in or out to do the things that you want to do. It’s not even when she’s sad and she just needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not any of those. Although they are somewhat close, yet so far, those aren’t it. Affection is when you take 5 or 10 minutes to stop what you’re doing to see about them. It’s not just about a physical touch, it’s what I like to call “checking in”. It’s asking her what you can do to make her feel more loved. Women, they need this….bad! It’s something you can’t avoid, even if you have the rough rugged woman who chews tobacco and spits further than you…she needs it too! Affection can be given in small doses. I like to spoon my lady during movies, hold her when we’re listening to music and from time to time I give her a lil’ sugar to let her know that appreciate her lovin’ me! Giving her this type of attention keeps her from questioning if you love her or not. It also reminds her that she is special and that she made the right choice by committing to you. One thing you might not know is that you might not of been her first choice! Something to keep in mind!
Now with communication, I can’t stress the importance of it. Women are atleast twice as talkative as men are. In fact, we talk more to ourselves and less to our spouse, but that has to change. When you get married, your best friend is no longer anyone outside of your wife. This is another topic for another blog, but I’ll get to it later. The marriage symbolized a joining of two people together. Think about communication like this: What if the brain didn’t communicate with the heart? The brain sends signals to the heart to pump blood to keep you alive! Communication is just that powerful! You lose that, and the marriage will not survive! Enough said!
To wrap all that up, a woman needs more than just these major subjects, but these are the staples in the marriage that needs to be established early on in the journey. The effective combination of security, affection, and communication bring about a sense of COMFORT to her. That’s something that you can’t put a price on. That’s what a woman needs from you to feel like a treasure. IF she feels valued and important she will represent you with pride and love. You want your woman to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. You don’t need anyone making your woman more special than you do unless it’s Jesus! So that’s just a lesson, a simple recipe per se, that will keep the marriage from feeling like an obligation instead of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying this is all they need, I'm saying this is an excellent foundation!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The reality of the fairy tale marriage
When we get married, for some of us, it's exactly like we dream. Birds singing softly in the background every time you think of her. You get butterflies in your stomach, your speech is disoriented, you are just so in love. So you decide that this is the one and you proceed further with marriage. The big day is just like you pictured it: 75 degree weather, sunny, not a cloud in sight. Nothing major goes wrong outside of that one relative that is always in a different state at events like this. You see her, she brings tears to your eyes while you smile. The birds haven't stopped singing and your heart is overjoyed. A perfect warm spring day with lots of gifts, love, dancing, and laughter.
After that period is over, it ranges for everyone, you come down. For the first few years, many vets who've been married for at least 5 years call this the honeymoon stage. On my end, things went a little different. It's all good, because people have different experiences. Now, here is where the reality sets in:
Everything was so perfect during that day, that week, that first year, but what happened? There are times where you feel as if you both don't know each other. The small things seem big, the bigger things seem so important and complex, you don't know what to do or even how to handle a situation. You feel you don't understand what's going on in your own house or spouse.
When this happens, reality has set in. Now the high is warn off and life is staring you in the face asking if you got the munchies cause it has plenty for you to chew on. When you find yourself questioning who that person is laying next to you and why is she so different....stop and think for a second.
You can't prepare for this any sooner than you say "I do". But here's the focal point....it's YOU. It's now your job to make her feel as if she's the most important person in life...yep...even more important than you. So with that being said, finding a balance between her needs and your needs, with the emphasis on her needs as more important. IF you don't, it will disrupt the happiness of your marriage. It's a quick way to shut down the fun in the relationship.
You can do this by communicating more and really listening. Not the kind we normally do, where she talks, you hear words, throw some head nods and um hums in there and you walk away wondering what it was all about, but "glad that it's over" type deal. They need us to listen cause we communicate so different and frankly we have a hard time understanding each other. So yeah, when the fairy tale is over, roll up the sleeves cause it's time to put in work!
Another thing you could do is show her that you want her to be your number one. She will support you if she feels reciprocation. If she's a great woman like mine, she'll support you even when she doesn't feel it from your end. You gotta' have some actions to back up your words. IF you don't, your words will be like a cheap perfume: smells great for a minute, but once you leave the house, the smell continuously becomes forgotten. ACTIONS that line up with your WORDS. That's where the work comes in too.
After that period is over, it ranges for everyone, you come down. For the first few years, many vets who've been married for at least 5 years call this the honeymoon stage. On my end, things went a little different. It's all good, because people have different experiences. Now, here is where the reality sets in:
Everything was so perfect during that day, that week, that first year, but what happened? There are times where you feel as if you both don't know each other. The small things seem big, the bigger things seem so important and complex, you don't know what to do or even how to handle a situation. You feel you don't understand what's going on in your own house or spouse.
When this happens, reality has set in. Now the high is warn off and life is staring you in the face asking if you got the munchies cause it has plenty for you to chew on. When you find yourself questioning who that person is laying next to you and why is she so different....stop and think for a second.
You can't prepare for this any sooner than you say "I do". But here's the focal point....it's YOU. It's now your job to make her feel as if she's the most important person in life...yep...even more important than you. So with that being said, finding a balance between her needs and your needs, with the emphasis on her needs as more important. IF you don't, it will disrupt the happiness of your marriage. It's a quick way to shut down the fun in the relationship.
You can do this by communicating more and really listening. Not the kind we normally do, where she talks, you hear words, throw some head nods and um hums in there and you walk away wondering what it was all about, but "glad that it's over" type deal. They need us to listen cause we communicate so different and frankly we have a hard time understanding each other. So yeah, when the fairy tale is over, roll up the sleeves cause it's time to put in work!
Another thing you could do is show her that you want her to be your number one. She will support you if she feels reciprocation. If she's a great woman like mine, she'll support you even when she doesn't feel it from your end. You gotta' have some actions to back up your words. IF you don't, your words will be like a cheap perfume: smells great for a minute, but once you leave the house, the smell continuously becomes forgotten. ACTIONS that line up with your WORDS. That's where the work comes in too.
the ok's of marriage
One of the things about marriage that we, both parties sometimes have to understand….everything doesn’t have to be an argument, discussion, disagreement. More importantly, you don’t always have to be right. That’s where a lot of things go very different.
Here’s a small portion of my testimony:
I strongly dislike being wrong. I really find that in most cases, I’m right. This is typically a false truth in my life, but it was how I though myself to be. It wasn’t because I had a degree, or that I’ve been through some things, I just knew I was right about most things I talked about. If I thought that I was wrong, in most cases, I became an observer of the situation.
I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way, but I’m probably one of the more honest people about things like this who can admit that I’m wrong a lot more that I’m right. In marriage, this is the same thing. Most ladies believe that they are always right, even when you can prove that they’re wrong. Some women are more honest and say that they can admit that they are wrong when they are.
In this life long commitment we call marriage, when the woman’s right…she’s right. But when she’s wrong…..she’s right. This is where two letters can solve a disagreement where you’re either right or wrong….”ok”.
Those two letters can be the difference between sleeping on the couch because you want to and sleeping on the couch because she beat you to the bedroom, put your pillows and the spare cover on the chair or edge of the bed, and is already stretched out with that “you bet’ not try to get in this bed while I’m sleep” look stuck on her face.
You have to know when to say ok. Learn to let things slide because no matter who’s right, in most cases, you’re wrong. She cares about being right and you just want her to shut up, so ok, is a major word that can keep the peace and even give you some added benefits to the marriage, like….silence for more than usual.
So it’s ok to be wrong and it’s even more ok, to just say it and mean it.
Here’s a small portion of my testimony:
I strongly dislike being wrong. I really find that in most cases, I’m right. This is typically a false truth in my life, but it was how I though myself to be. It wasn’t because I had a degree, or that I’ve been through some things, I just knew I was right about most things I talked about. If I thought that I was wrong, in most cases, I became an observer of the situation.
I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way, but I’m probably one of the more honest people about things like this who can admit that I’m wrong a lot more that I’m right. In marriage, this is the same thing. Most ladies believe that they are always right, even when you can prove that they’re wrong. Some women are more honest and say that they can admit that they are wrong when they are.
In this life long commitment we call marriage, when the woman’s right…she’s right. But when she’s wrong…..she’s right. This is where two letters can solve a disagreement where you’re either right or wrong….”ok”.
Those two letters can be the difference between sleeping on the couch because you want to and sleeping on the couch because she beat you to the bedroom, put your pillows and the spare cover on the chair or edge of the bed, and is already stretched out with that “you bet’ not try to get in this bed while I’m sleep” look stuck on her face.
You have to know when to say ok. Learn to let things slide because no matter who’s right, in most cases, you’re wrong. She cares about being right and you just want her to shut up, so ok, is a major word that can keep the peace and even give you some added benefits to the marriage, like….silence for more than usual.
So it’s ok to be wrong and it’s even more ok, to just say it and mean it.
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